Mr. Brogan...
I assume you've called in regard to the mortgage payment...
on Castle Plunkett, unfortunately still delayed...
by what seems to be our endless postal strike.
Dear sir, I must once again remind you...
my first name is not "Dick," nor is my last name "Face."
It is simply Peter. Peter Plunkett.
No, I was not given a middle name...
but had I been, I feel certain...
my mother would not have chosen...
'"Low-life Shit-for-brains Peckerhead."
You obviously know a side of Mother...
I have been happily sheltered from.
Nevertheless, I marvel at your colorfully creative...
ever-so-American colloquialisms...
which flow so grippingly from your razor like tongue.
The hotel is in tiptop condition...
the renovations are proceeding at a...
What? Why shouldn't I bother?
Peter, who are you calling?
Oh, Mother! Will you please get off the line?
Turning the castle into a theme park?
'"Irish World"?
Gee, what an interesting notion.
In where? In Malibu?
What is Malibu?
I see. You want to move the castle to Malibu...
which, I am to presume, lies on the western corner...
of those United States.
Mr. Brogan, if I cannot send your payment...
how on earth do you expect...
to transport an entire castle across the sea?
The number of stamps alone is mind-boggling!
But I can assure you, Mr. Brogan...
that if it goes on much longer...
I will take this check which I am holding in my hand...
and personally ferry it across the water to England...
and mail it to you myself. That's how much I care.
What postal strike?
Shut up, Mother!
I don't think that kind of language...
is necessary, Mr. Brogan.
Understandable, but...
So, what you're saying...
is that if I don't come up with the money in three weeks...
you will foreclose and take over Castle Plunkett.
I see.
Have you heard of the quality of mercy, Mr. Brogan?
You haven't read your Shakespeare, Mr. Brogan.
Good-bye.
There you are!
Taking the easy way out. You naughty boy!
Mother, this is not easy. It is very, very difficult.
Just because you haven't got a guest in the place...
you're in hock to that fellow Brogan.
Your father's so worried, he's tearing his hair out!
Mother, father has been dead for a decade.
And what about your grandmother?
How do you think she feels?
Mother, grandmother is dead, too.
She's still upset.
Very well. I apologize profoundly...
to the ghosts of my ancestors...
for making a mess of their ancestral home.
Hold that.
I'm not gonna help you.
How many ghosts are there here?
There's Great Auntie Nana and Uncle Toby...
and that nice Elizabethan lady...
and the nun who was walled into the closet...
and Oliver's bastard, who never came out of the library.
Mother.
- What, darling? - What a wonderful idea.
- What, darling? - Ghosts.
Ghosts?
Ghosts.
A wonderful tourist attraction.
Katie!
Katie, take this down.
Castle Plunkett...
the superbly-restored edifice in the heart...
of the incomparably beautiful Irish countryside.
Also known to be the most haunted place...
on the Emerald Isle!
Here, the dead outnumber the living!
This castle contains more ghouls, ghosties...
long-leggedy beasties...
and things that go bump in the night...
than on any other place in this revolving, revolting...
maggot-spinning earth!
We can promise you banshees, pookas...
ghouls of all descriptions.
The one thing we won't promise is a good night's sleep.
There are no bloody ghosts here.
I know, but there will be. We'll invent them.
Yes, Mr. Wilson...
the accommodations are strictly modern...
and so far, the renovations have been consistent...
with maintaining the ectoplasmic ambience...
of Castle Plunkett and environs.
Illusion.
You, Katie, for instance.
You high on a wire would be magnificent as a flying banshee.
A little dry rot, selective damp...
some fungus here and there.
Ghosts need such things to exist.
Thank you.
Patricia, you could be...
a mermaid!
Or Lady Godiva.
Anybody dead down there?
Only the corpse, Eamon.
What the shaggin' hell are you doin' up there?
Genius. Pure genius.
Just you wait till they see it.
The bloody hand to the front...
And the bloody feet at the rear.
Look, what in the name of God is that?
We're not doin' the "African Queen."
Will you get me the shaggin' fish I asked you for?
Smile, Katie!
You have to smile!
The Americans are coming tomorrow.
Now, Eamon, you little genius, one more time.
Ready, steady, go!
Jack, what are you doing?
It's a little champagne.
To us, to Ireland...
your homeland.
Loch Ness Monster, guys in skirts.
That's Scotland, Jack.
I knew that.
Oh, Christ!
Oh, Jack. I've just taken two Valium...
and now you're trying to drown me in champagne.
God. Next thing you know, you'll want to have sex.
Ma'am?
A little champagne?
I suppose sex is out of the question?
I think I should be the tart on the horse...
and you should be the hag in the tree.
I think I should go home.
Just give me that hair back!
Bon voyage!
On our left, we have the Houghlin Bog...
home to more grisly and gruesome murders...
than any comparable spot in the universe.
The fierce, fighting O'Flahertys...
would pile down from the Knockmealdown Mountains...
and pillage and rape women and children.
We have children here.
Even Christian brothers were known to berserk...
the occasional sheep or goat.
Here, within the confines of Castle Plunkett itself...
we come to the infamous Wailing Willow...
from which the Brogan Banshee...
is reported to wail and howl from time to time.
They're comin', Katie!
Get ready to show them all you have!
Scare the Jesus out of 'em.
Howl, Katie, howl!
Howl like a banshee!
Wave the life out of 'em! Wave your arms!
Oh, Jesus!
Stop the bus!
Help me!
Driver!
Help me!
There's a lady on the luggage rack!
I'm not a lady! I'm a banshee!
There's a banshee on the luggage rack!
And the banshee's howling brings forth...
the restless spirit of Lady Amelia...
risen from her grave, riding naked on her magical mount!
Hands and heels now, Patricia!
I can't stop it!
Help!
Awesome!
Oh, mummy!
The things I do for you.
Deeply appreciated.
Oh, dear.
Don't panic!
What do you mean, "don't panic"?
Listen to me! Don't panic!
Shut up!
She's amphibious, or so I'm told.
Jesus Christ. This is the end of the world.
Best foot forward, Katie.
Welcome to Castle Plunkett!
You are most heartily welcomed.
Ladies, gentlemen, children...
you appear to be a trifle moist.
May I?
Good evening, boys, young lady...
Mr. Crawford, Mrs. Crawford, Mrs. Clay.
Mr. Plunkett, what is this whiting in a glaze?
Oh, that would be a lovely whiting with bread crumbs.
And the whiting au nature?
Boiled whiting.
So, what's the whiting vapor stuff?
That, my dear young one, would be whiting, steamed.
And what is this?
Whiting bordeaux?
Very witty, Mr. Clay.
OK, Mom. You've got us here. Now where are these ghosts?
Come on! I wanna see one now!
Boys!
I'm afraid there are no ghosts here.
A cynic, Mr. Clay.
No, a parapsychologist...
Mr. Plunkett.
Duke University.
A para-what?
A parapsychologist. An expert in ghosts.
Give the parapsychologist a drink, Katie.
Whiting bisque, madame?
Thank you.
And for you, father? The whiting bisque?
So, I was seeing this guy, and he's a devil worshipper, right?
Well, he's a hairdresser, really...
but he devil worships on the side.
We booked this dumb tour 'cause he likes ghosts...
corpses, dead gerbils, that kind of thing...
and he ran off with this Buddhist monk.
I mean, how was I supposed to know he was gay?
So, what about you? Are you gay, too?
No, I'm not, but I'm chaste.
Just kidding. Trick question.
So, what are you doing here?
Well, I thought I'd take a vacation here...
in the Isle of Saints...
before I take my final vows as a sort of spiritual treat.
Retreat.
Yeah. Well, I've kind of taken a vow myself.
I've sworn off men for a while, at least.
But you're not a priest yet?
No. Not yet.
Well, here's to keeping our vows.
Mr. Plunkett.
Who's that?
Mary Plunkett.
My great-great-great-great- great-great-grandcousin.
She died right here in Castle Plunkett 200 years ago.
She couldn't take the whiting, either?
Levity is out of place, Mrs. Crawford.
She was murdered on her wedding night...
by the hand of her newly wedded husband.
When I remember
All friends linked together
I've seen around me
Fall like leaves in wintry snow
Why don't I just give you both here?
I can get the change later.
Lovely music.
Shut up!
Some banquet-hall
Deserted
Whose lights are fled
Whose garlands dead
And all but he departed
Thus in the stilly night
Ere slumber's chain
Has bound me
Fond memory brings the light
Honey, everybody's singing.
It's beautiful.
A full moon has risen above Houghlin Bog.
Those of you with nervous dispositions...
would do well to protect yourselves.
Lock your windows, bolt your doors...
say your prayers...
for tonight, they may be walking abroad...
the cluricanes, the banshees, and the pookas.
Good night. Sleep well, if you can.
If you dare!
Bugs.
Where did they all go?
Don't ask. They might come back.
Well, if there are any ghosts in this castle...
I hope to God they put on a better show than this one.
It was pretty scary, huh, kids?
Didn't you see '"Nightmare on Elm Street"?
Give me a break.
Scared the shit out of me.
Right. Phase Two.
Katie, banshee time.
Julia, where's me bandages?
Because it's hard to get a significant C.R. Reading...
when there is no observed deviation to be measured.
I'm afraid that this is going to be the most pitiful scam...
There is not even a dress hanger in the dump.
Malky.
Get me the nightie you bought me at the duty-free.
Honey?
Thanks, Bugbear. Oh, take this, would you?
Unexpected random fluctuations of the standard deviation...
would need to exceed 2.33 for it to be conceived as significant.
Here we have a very impressive sight indeed.
It's the winning Hereford bull owned by Mr. Lynch...
and he's won the competition for the third year in a row.
Mind you, the competition we saw today...
was of a very high quality indeed...
and the judges had a very difficult task.
Of course, these days, the judges emphasize grooming...
Oh, my God.
Major jet lag.
Excuse me.
I don't believe in ghosts.
Oh, wait.
Calm down, Miranda.
You can stop it now, because really, I'm not scared.
One more time, my Katie, and give the window a little tap.
Tap it yourself.
Away, Little John.
Damn it! Look at me, you bastard!
OK, you guys.
If you aren't in bed in three seconds, you are grounded.
But we haven't seen a ghost yet.
And I'm not whistlin' Dixie.
Help me!
Help!
Please, somebody help me!
Where's he goin'?
Help me!
All right. I'm coming.
- Brother Tony, help me! - I will!
- You have to make it stop! - All right!
I don't like it at all!
Come on, Brother Tony! Jump!
I'm coming!
Oh, Tony!
Brother Tony! Do something!
Don't just lay there, do something!
Like what?
Exorcise it!
You're a priest, aren't you?
How about a little something from "Revelations"?
- "Revelations"? - "Revelations."
'"And I saw an angel..."
I'm gonna be sick!
Don't leave me! We're going to die!
They're going to kill us!
A change in the humidity and you will turn blue.
Come to me, Bugbear.
Make me a woman.
My love.
Oh, that's the most pathetic display that I've ever seen.
Malcolm!
What is that? A 45-degree semisilver mirror?
Now, Eamon.
The sword!
Jack, what are you doing?
I smell something burning, Jack.
Sharon!
How many times do I have to tell you "no"?
I'm exhausted. We are not making love tonight.
I just saw a ghost!
That is the most pathetic excuse for sex I have ever heard!
If I say I'm too tired, then I'm too tired.
Thank you very much, Jack.
Now I need to take two more Valium.
My God, he's got my underwear!
Oh, very nice! A pervert ghost!
Malcolm, the children!
Don't worry, Marge. I'll handle this.
Get away from the children!
Yeah, Dad!
Supernatural, huh?
Sounds pretty solid to me.
Behind me, children!
How dare you threaten my family?
I think it's real, Dad.
I'll show you real!
Mother of God!
You could've shaggin' killed me.
Maybe if we made love more often...
you wouldn't need your stupid pills.
Do not take that Valium.
Sharon, do not take that Valium.
Would you listen to me for once in your life?
Sharon, please!
It's not working! We have to stop!
We have to try something else!
What are you doing...
to that poor ghost?
Wait a minute!
Plunkett! You phony! You fake!
Julia! Oh, how's my poor...
Little demon children!
Calm yourselves!
As the brochure says, it's the unpredictability...
of spirits that causes problems.
So I would like to apologize for any minor inconvenience.
This is the most pitiful supernatural sham...
that I've ever encountered!
It will get better, I assure you.
That's it!
We are leaving tomorrow morning, Jack.
Oh, no, my dear woman.
Am I intruding?
Just give the poor ghosts a little time.
We're history, dude.
Couldn't we look on tonight as a kind of dress rehearsal?
You're finished, Plunkett!
I am going to personally expose this pathetic fraud!
There are laws, sir, against people like you.
Marge, children, we're leaving.
Maybe Jim Brogan'll give us another chance?
Jim Brogan? What's Jim Brogan got to do with this?
He has the mortgage on the place...
and we've only got two weeks left...
and then he's gonna throw us out.
Jack, I'm very tired. I'd like to go to bed now.
- Now! - Just wait a minute!
What's going on here, Mr. Plunkett?
So we told a lie.
Everyone lies once in a while.
So Katie isn't a ghost...
and Julia still has her head on...
and Eamon isn't a mummy...
and the castle isn't haunted, but what of that?
What you have to ask yourselves is...
why did we do it?
We did it because we love this place.
Every little worm-eaten brick...
every little rotting nook and cranny.
Why should you Americans care if I lose my home?
Castle Plunkett.
And the villagers lose their only means of employment?
Thank you, Katie.
Jack, let's go to bed.
- I care, Mr. Plunkett. - What?
I care.
Jim Brogan is my father-in-law, so I'm involved in this.
You're Jim Brogan's daughter?
Yes, my name's Brogan.
I might as well tell you...
that there won't be any extensions on your mortgage.
I mean, not after tonight's performance.
I don't believe this.
Daddy asked me to check it out.
I mean, this ghost business was too ridiculous.
So you came to sabotage us?
You did perfectly all right all by yourself.
I didn't have to lift a finger.
Jack, are you coming?
Look, I don't know what to say.
I didn't know.
I didn't.
For what it's worth, I think this place is great.
You're the ghost in the bedroom.
You were the banshee on the luggage rack.
Sharon, hey, wait a minute!
Daddy wants this place. He's always wanted it.
He was born here. He hates the Plunketts.
Why?
Why not? Daddy hates most people.
So you lied to me.
You used our second honeymoon for Daddy.
Jack, it's business.
It's business?
Obviously, a word you're not familiar with.
Where are you going?
To get drunk.
I don't want you to lose your castle.
Not to my father-in-law, he's a son of a bitch.
Oh, my dear fellow, you're too kind.
He's an unlovely combination...
of a son of a bitch and a rat's knackers.
What's a rat's knackers?
It's an unholy trinity of a muckraker, a gobshite...
and a hoor's melt.
The guy's a dick.
In a word.
Would you like a drink?
I thought I had one.
I mean a real drink.
Upsy-daisy.
My father's brew.
Oh, perfect.
Look at the bad side...
gotta look at the good side.
There's constantly...
There's two sides to every story.
The milk of human kindness, Sharon.
Three little words, every once in a while.
Doesn't cost anything.
'"I love you."
Oh, shit. Wrong room.
Our room's not this nice.
- No, Martin! - It's not what you think.
Oh, no, Martin. No!
I know you.
You're the girl in the painting!
- So, you wee harlot. - No, Martin!
You're the one in the painting.
You'll tup with no one! Come here, lovey!
Who's this guy?
You're a great act. Real bruises, too, huh?
Wow, that's great.
Hey, pal, you should've done this earlier.
I think you could've saved the place.
Where is he?
Martin, there's no one!
Great outfits.
Martin, there's no one!
Looks real!
Martin, there's no one!
Looks a little rough, but real.
Why don't I believe ya?
This is so disgusting.
Oh, Lord, she wouldn't die, not with a lie on her lips.
Oh, God, what have I done?
You killed her.
Oh, Lord, what have I done?
I told you, you killed her.
Mary.
Oh, Lord, what have I done?
What did you do? She's a mess!
There's a trap door down here.
Oh, no, Martin!
So, you wee harlot.
No, Martin. No!
Duck!
You won't tup with me, huh?
Please, no!
The party's over, all right?
Take your hands off the girl...
or you're gonna be... OK, pal!
Where is he?
All right! Where is he?
Martin, there's no one.
Wait a minute, wait.
What are you doing? She's a beautiful woman.
That's a beautiful woman!
Martin, there's no one!
Then, why don't I believe ya?
I'm hit.
Oh, God.
You dirty rotten...
Mary?
No, he missed me.
Oh, Lord, she wouldn't die, not with a lie on her lips.
Oh, Lord, what have I done?
Oh, God, what have I done?
Who are you guys?
I'm Mary Plunkett.
Wait a minute.
This is an act.
This is an act. Right?
How can I thank you?
For what?
For your selflessness.
I didn't do... I don't...
How can I thank you?
You're so beautiful.
How can I thank you?
Thank you.
Don't go.
Why do you have to go?
I don't feel good.
Sharon, I think I'm going crazy.
I gotta know. Did you...
Did you ever love me?
Let's see if those pills really work.
You've had a good life.
Oh, God.
You.
You are...
Good morning, darling.
Good morning, Lavinia.
Well, our son is an idiot.
We've known that for years.
Haven't we, darling?
Well, this time, he has surpassed himself.
The ghosts are furious.
Why?
Well, they've heard that that Jim Brogan fellow...
is going to move the castle to Malibu.
How nice.
All that sunshine, and all those movies stars.
No respectable ghost would live in California.
Besides, they're Irish. What would they do there?
Oh, if only I hadn't died.
None of this would ever have happened.
Well, you did die, didn't you, darling?
So, what are we gonna do about it?
Out of my hands. They won't listen to me.
They're going to give those Americans...
exactly what they came here for.
Serve 'em right.
I'm dead.
So, this is what it feels like.
Like a hangover.
Peter?
Peter, wake up.
The Yanks are leaving.
Really?
As long as I'm dead, I might as well tell you.
You've got all the warmth of a penguin on an iceberg.
You're a dwarf.
You'd better clean those choppers real good...
so you can chew up the next jerk who comes along.
I'm not dead?
No, but if I were you...
I wouldn't make any long-range plans.
Great, Jack. Now I've got a massive migraine coming on.
My B-complex level is rock bottom.
Sharon, look...
Let me see that.
Sharon, I think...
Get packed, Jack.
Sharon, you took a Valium.
Wrong pills.
What did you have for your breakfast, little boy?
Some tan fish.
That was a nice change.
I said this place is a nightmare, Daddy!
Of course, I sound strange. I'm depressed.
Everybody hates me.
And, last night, Jack slept on the floor...
and when he woke up, he said he was dead...
and that I was a dwarf and that I had buck teeth...
and you know how self-conscious I am...
about those things, this is all your fault!
I hate you!
Miss Crawford? Are you all right?
Do you think that I'm colder than a penguin on an iceberg?
Oh. Well, no.
No, you see, actually, penguins are a lot warmer...
than people give them credit for.
How dare you!
I didn't... don't tell my wife.
I mean, not that I did anything.
Do you hear me, Sharon? Sharon, get on this phone!
Will you talk to me, Sharon?
You're real. I mean, you're not.
You're a real ghost.
I have to thank you for what you did last night.
It was nothing.
What did I do?
You gave me my first moment of peace in near 200 years.
I'll be in your debt for eternity, sir.
It was nothing, and you don't have to call me sir.
What can I call ya?
Thank you, Sir Jack.
It's on me.
- Lovely dress. - My wedding dress.
Today is my wedding day.
Tonight, he'll murder me.
You get murdered every night?
Every night until last night.
What about tonight?
That depends on you.
Why me?
Your love broke the chain, crossed the boundaries...
Oh, my God, hold on! You can't depend on me!
Nobody can depend on me. My wife would never understand...
Ah, twasn't love, then.
Mary, we hardly know each other.
Look, I gotta go!
- Don't go, Jack! - I gotta, I just... look...
You want to forget me.
I don't know what I want!
I just don't...
What the heck?
He's flying! Look at him!
Me roof!
Jesus Christ!
So all the snakes weren't driven out of Ireland.
- What? - The snakes!
"To die; to sleep no more; and by a sleep to say we end..."
Peter! They changed their minds! They're staying!
There is a God.
Hey, would your name conceivably be Jack?
Welcome back, dear guests!
Let me be the first to apologize...
for our temperamental Irish weather.
Shut up, Plunkett. Call us a cab.
Certainly, Mr. Clay. Immediately.
Deepest regrets, the phones are dead.
The storm must've knocked them out.
So, we're all together for one more night.
It seems that we're becoming one big, happy family.
Sorry, Mr. P.
Plunkett!
I'd rather walk into town in this suit of armor...
and spend a night in a stable...
than to spend one more second in this hell hole!
Marge! Children! We're leaving!
Malcolm!
Oh, my God!
Malcolm!
Oh, God!
Malcolm, can you hear me?
Oh, please, let him be all right.
Oh, dear God.
Plunkett, this is your doing!
Darling?
Yes, I think we could stay one more night.
Sweet Mother Mary...
Saint Brigid...
please don't let me marry him.
Please release me.
I don't love Martin, and I never will.
Sweet Mother Mary, Saint Brigid...
please don't let me marry him.
Please release me.
I don't love Martin.
Sweet Mother Mary, Saint Brigid...
please don't let me marry him.
Please release me.
Sweet Mother Mary...
Sweet Jesus, what happened to you?
I ran into a little wind.
Oh, dear.
That would be the spirits in the castle.
Sorry.
What are you doing?
I'm praying to Saint Brigid...
to release me from me marriage vows.
Look, this is too psychotic for me.
- I mean, look... - Saint Brigid...
I mean, I'm as up for a good nervous breakdown...
as anybody, really, but this is too much.
I mean, I get here yesterday...
my marriage collapses, then I save a ghost...
from being murdered by another ghost.
Now, if you think about it, that makes no sense at all.
Then I fly through the air, hit a tree...
and Renaldo the talking horse here...
leads me to... -
to the most beautiful...
ghost that I've ever seen in my...
Last night, when you took Martin's sword in my stead...
you broke the cursed chain that has bound me for 200 years.
What cursed chain?
Me marriage to Martin Brogan was arranged by me father.
I did not love him.
He had warts, and his feet stank.
On my wedding night, I refused to be tupped by him.
- Tupped? - Tupped.
I get it.
Go on.
He thought I loved another... though I did not.
And in a jealous fury, he did me to death!
Now, every day for me is the same.
If I get murdered one more time, I'll scream.
Who'd want to be a ghost?
We are what we are.
So... this Marty stank?
Aye, and he squished.
He squished?
Squished.
Oh, he squished!
God...
Could you love a man who belched but didn't squish?
I could love you, Sir Jack.
If you loved me, the miracle could happen.
I can't.
I cannot do this. I am married.
Then you don't love me.
- I didn't say that. - Then I am doomed forever.
Even now Martin dons his garments, sharpens his knife.
Good-bye, Sir Jack.
Look, you're a ghost. I'm an American.
It would never work out.
Sweet Mother Mary. Saint Colum...
Mary, look, I don't want you to get murdered again.
It's just that my wife... if she found out, she'd murder me!
Jack, is that you?
God, I don't know what happened to me, but I feel zonked.
I've got pains all over my body. Could you rub my back?
Well, go on, Jack. I won't bite.
Jack, you never did it like that before.
Saint Patrick.
Saint Jude.
Saint Columcille.
Saint Hocks McGorrick.
Honey! What...
Honey, what is it?
Where have you been? There was a man in my bathtub!
A big giant man, gigantic...
and he's scrubbing my back, and it felt good!
I should've known it wasn't you!
He had warts all over his hands!
Yeah, with warts. Yeah, that's Martin.
- Who's Martin? - He's a ghost.
- He's a what? - He's a ghost.
He murders his wife every night. Other than that...
I think he's pretty harmless, sweetheart.
- Get out! - Honey, l...
Sweetheart, look...
Honey, you're... Honey, really...
You don't understand.
Honey, we've gotta talk.
Are you OK, honey?
Do I look OK?
Not really.
What are you doing?
I have to check this place out.
Something smells very wrong here.
Yes, it does.
It smells like... burnt rubber.
No, that's me.
To right, right. To left, left.
Do you believe this?
Only four channels!
Cables must be unplugged.
There's no cable. This is it.
I tell ya. This place sucks the big one.
Fingers together...
Wendy!
Mom!
Woody!
Look at the TV, guys.
You horrible little children!
Eternity's a big commitment. You know, it's a long time.
You gotta take things one step at a time. That's the key.
You do love her, don't you?
Yeah, I guess I do. I don't know.
What's the problem then?
She's a ghost!
She's dead. I'm alive.
How do you know all this?
I'm married to one.
Won't you join us... for a drink?
Yeah, I could use a drink. Yeah, sure.
Oh, dear Lord.
I do beseech thee to help me in this...
my hour of need.
Oh, cleanse me of these impure thoughts I have...
for this woman... Miranda.
Come on!
Oh, Lord!
I get the message!
Brother Tony.
Brother Tony, are you all right?
Brother Tony, what are you doing in the pool?
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
True love can move mountains.
Yeah, but it can't bring the dead back to life.
Yes, it can, on All Hallows' Eve.
Halloween. That's tomorrow night.
When the spirit moves, and the flesh is willing...
and the juices flow, and the skelping is mighty.
What's skelping?
It's a ghost term.
But it's dangerous.
You mustn't go too far.
What do you mean?
- Oh, it's you! - Whom were you expecting?
Plunkett, those fake ghosts were one thing...
This is entirely different, isn't it?
Is there something wrong with your room?
Something wrong with my room?
What are you talking about, ghosts?
- The brochure... - Damn the brochure!
We're talking real, live spirits here!
- How can you explain this? - The weather.
Oh, come off it, will you?
Don't you understand? He wants us here.
He knows it's the only way he can keep this dump.
I don't know about the rest of you...
but, Plunkett, you haven't fooled me at all.
I've been fooled.
- Me, too. - I've been very fooled.
Explain this to me.
'"A ghost may not tup with a human."
So this means a ghost cannot make love with a human being.
Oh, my God!
Who's Mary?
Who's this Mary?
She's a woman. She's a ghost.
Don't start this ghost stuff again.
- She's someone I care about. - What?
It's funny how you can care. I think I'm falling...
Jack, don't stand there and tell me...
that you're having an affair with a goddamn ghost.
Well, I am!
That's it. Your lawyer, my lawyer...
and I hope the ghost has a lawyer...
because I want to meet him.
Here she is! This is Mary.
- No, Martin! - Mary the ghost.
So you wee harlot!
No, Martin!
That's Martin the ghost!
That's the man that was in my bathtub!
See, he's gonna come over here and throw her on the bed.
- He's gigantic. - That's Martin the ghost.
They're having problems in their relationship.
No, Jack, we're having problems in our relationship.
- Come here! - Honey...
You gotta see this. Come on.
He's gonna run after her and throw her against the wall.
There's no one!
Oh, yes, there is. My husband!
Now he throws her over there. This is the bad part here.
- Martin, there's no one! - Why don't I believe ya?
- Please, don't! - Honey.
- You can't just kick a ghost. - Did you see that?
Now look what you did.
Wait, Mary!
I love you.
I know that.
You do?
When did you know that?
The minute I saw ya.
The minute I knew I loved you...
but your love must be true.
It is.
It must withstand all obstacles.
It will.
Oh, Mary, my darlin'. What have I done to ya?
What have I done?
That was a dirty trick, wasn't it?
Hey?
Kicking me right in the bahoggies.
But you were gonna stab your wife with a sword, you pig.
Shoot, that's no big thing. I do it every night.
And I suppose watching other men's wives...
in the bathtub is no big deal, either.
I'm sure it's a grand thing if the wife happens to be you.
You dirty peeping tom.
Me name is not Thomas. It's Martin.
Oh, Mary. I'm sorry, darlin'.
What have I done to ya?
Oh, God.
Here, give us a wee scub before...
No, not again.
You're a wily vixen, aren't ya?
Oh, Lord, what have I done?
Oh, God, what have I done?
Oh, God, what a woman.
You're not so bad yourself.
What's skelping?
Skelping.
This is skelping.
That's nasty.
It wasn't nice?
It was nice.
It was very, very nice.
Hold on, Mary. Wait a minute.
You can't just skelp me and leave me.
Can't help it.
Skelping takes a lot out of you.
Look, Mary, l...
I'll be in the chamber midnight tomorrow.
So what's wrong with the Americans?
What's wrong with these Americans?
One night they're desperate to leave...
the next night you can't get rid of them.
One day they hate the whiting...
the next day, they have to have all five courses.
When you break your back...
to give them the ghosts you thought they wanted...
they scream at you, and when you throw the towel in...
they scream even louder.
They see spooks everywhere...
spooks in the bathroom, spooks under the bed.
Don't they know when the joke is over?
They cower well enough.
What is going on here?
Eamon, why are chunks of masonry floating about?
Mr. Plunkett...
I think there's some people want to have a word with you.
Who?
Grand Uncle Peter. Grand Aunt Nan.
Granny Joyce and her sister.
Her half-sister.
Not to mention...
your daddy.
But he's dead!
I know.
He looks terrible angry, too.
I have a perfect right to be...
considering what you have done to our ancestral home.
Father!
Let us in!
Do you really think you could get away from me?
Leave me alone. You're dead.
Not so dead I can't see what a numbskull you are.
Oh, fine!
Call me names!
That's so easy.
Well, for God's sake, look at you.
What did you ever give me this place for?
You knew I was an incompetent.
All I wanted to be was happily useless.
You made me miserably useless giving me this place...
baths to run, bills to be paid...
and then dying on me just like that!
Most people give some warning, you know...
premature senility, angina, gout...
bed-ridden for years... but not you, oh, no.
Healthy as an old goat, you pop off one day in the orchard...
and what then?
Not a goddamn word, not a whisper.
Did it never occur to you that I might need some advice?
That I might miss you?
Peter, I never thought...
It's true... you old goat.
I missed you, Daddy.
Give your daddy a hug.
Sorry, Peter.
They will be back tonight.
It is All Hallows' Eve.
If you see anything, just ignore it completely.
Just pretend that it didn't happen.
Have you got that?
I don't hear anything, do you?
Don't you just love whiting?
Madam.
For you I missed my wedding for the first time in years...
that's how much I want you.
And sure, I know I'm a ghost...
and a murderer, but forget about all that.
Listen. Tonight's All Hallows' Eve...
the one night in the year that I turn to flesh...
so what do you say to a wee bit of skelping?
Come on.
At least tell me your name.
Lady, I've got the best bahoggies...
from here to Ballinderry.
Come on. What do you say? Let's give it a twirl.
Drop dead.
Oh, God. What a woman.
'"He who tups with the spirit finds only the grave...
'"but the virtuous heart true love will save."
'"He who tups with the spirt finds only the grave...
'"but the virtuous heart true love will save."
Some whiskey over here, please.
Aye, the whiskey.
Relax, everybody.
Take it easy.
They won't come into a bar, would they?
They don't drink whiskey.
- Who? - Spirits.
- How the hell would I know? - The Irish ones do.
- He says the Irish ones do. - Don't.
Do they or don't they? You don't shaggin' know, do you?
It may be no more than a local disturbance
in the extraplaner ether.
Ether, me bollocks.
A supernatural belch, you know what I'm talking about?
Hey! Drinks all around!
- What's that? - It's none of it! No!
Where's your ectoplasm now?
Did you...
It took the hurricane.
What in the name of God is that?
Dad, it's a submarine!
Well, what's that shaggin' thing on top of it?
It's a giant squid!
Get off me!
Yea, though I walk through the valley of death...
I shall fear no evil for thou art with me.
Mom!
Thy rod and thy staff they will comfort me!
Save the child!
Heave!
Mom!
Heave!
Tug and heave!
- Heave! - Let's get him!
Mom!
Look!
She's movin' on.
She's movin' on
Thank goodness.
It's a bloody good thing we ignored it, huh?
Hello.
Oh, God, you're real.
Having fun?
It's gotten totally out of control here.
I'm afraid I've been with my family.
Is the roof leaking?
You have no idea what it was like here.
Did we just tup?
No, but it's not too far off.
Right.
Hey, how about some champagne?
A little champagne to get our mind off the old you-know-what.
All right?
I usually mess this up.
Drink to me, only, with thine eyes...
and I will pledge with mine;
or leave a kiss within the cup...
and I'll not ask for wine.
That was so beautiful. Who wrote it?
Ben Johnson.
You know, whenever I hear Ben's material...
it just makes me think about you-know-what.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
- Quote me something. - Quote?
Anything to keep our minds off...
You-know-what. Right, a quote.
There ain't nothin' in the world like a big-eyed girl...
to make me act so funny, make me spend my money.
Makes me feel real loose, like a long-necked goose.
Oh, baby, that's what I like.
That's so...
Who wrote that?
The Big Bopper.
Maybe you know him. He's dead, too.
Are you sure they're gone?
- Everyone, stay behind me. - Stay behind him.
I have to check this place out.
Every inch of it... castle, grounds.
- It's kind of scary... - Quiet!
The Plunkett ancestors...
- Check outside. - They're rather unapproachable.
Sir Jack, I'm in me cups.
No, it's nothing.
I'm really drunk.
- No, we mustn't. - Right.
We should just be friends.
Go!
Halt!
Go!
How beautiful the night looks.
I'm having the time of my life.
Isn't it beautiful?
Not as beautiful as you.
Will ya hold on.
Listen to the paracyclist!
I formally declare this a spirit-free zone!
If you ever go across the sea to Ireland
Then maybe at the closing of the day
Oh, God.
I'm not tupping.
I'm not tupping, right?
This is somewhere...
between a skelp and a tup, right?
The women in the meadow making hay
Just to sit beside a turf fire in the cabin
And watch the sun go down on Galway Bay
On Galway...
Holy God, that's my shaggin' bus!
It shouldn't be happenin'.
Somebody's brought it here.
Where's Jack?
No, Jack.
- OK. - Stop.
We mustn't.
- We can't! - We can't.
- It's not right. - I know.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah... I mean...
- No, stop! - All right.
Don't listen to me, Jack. Go on.
Sharon, I love thee!
And tonight's the holy night!
Oh, Sharon, I love thee!
No, Jack! Remember our promise?
We can't.
A little to the right.
- There? - That's good.
You for me.
Come here, me lovely dearie. Come here to me!
Where are ya?
Sharon, wait!
- I love you, Jack. - I love you, Mary.
Actually, you look very like my mother.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Oh, Lord, please save this beautiful creature...
from these demons.
If a life must be taken, take mine.
Oh, yea, though I walk...
through the valley of the shadow of death.
Brother Tony!
Where are you going, Brother Tony?
I shall fear no evil for thou art with me!
My God, Jack. We shouldn't have.
Mary, that was something.
Where are you?
Sharon, this isn't a joke anymore.
Saint Hocks McGorrick, wait!
Mary, what's happened?
It's the powers, Jack. I'm 200 years old.
He who tups with a spirit, tups with the grave.
What do you mean?
Help me!
Jack, just tell me you love me. Make it all right.
But you're not Mary. You're a corpse.
Now, don't do this to me, darlin'.
Get away from me.
Help!
Oh, bollocks!
Holy Jesus!
- Hi, Marty. - Where's the wife?
Not mine, ya dolt. Yours.
I'm being followed by a U.F. O!
You can't get so excited.
You think I don't know what's going on?
- Excited? A bus... - Come here, me lovely!
Hey there, Mary.
We were just playin' around, darlin', you know?
You threw me over for this?
I mean, I knew you liked passive women, Jack...
but she's half-dead.
I hope she has a great personality, because this hurts.
At least she said she loved me.
That's a lot more than you ever did.
I love you, Jack. I do.
Ya wee harlot, I'll kill ya.
She's looks dead enough already. Please, don't start that.
Oh, Jack. Your wife's some woman.
So's yours.
So was yours.
Where are you going?
I was just kidding.
You were made for each other.
You look great. You really do.
Bye, Mary.
Sorry for the last 200 years, darlin'.
Jack, you said you'd love me forever.
I know.
Mary, I just...
You were so different then.
Only on the outside, Jack.
Inside I'm the same.
Yeah, I know. I know looks aren't everything.
I'm in here, Jack.
It's just that they can help so much when you...
- Kiss me. - Kiss you?
Maybe we should get some moisturizer.
- Kiss me, Jack. - Or some medical supervision.
One last time.
Please, Jack.
Stop, let me catch my breath.
Martin, where are you?
Martin, wait!
Don't go!
How the hell did you get up there?
No, don't go, Martin! No, wait!
I'm in here, love!
Martin, where are you?
Oh, Sharon, you do love me, don't ya?
You do love me, Sir Jack.
Then look at me.
Well, then, be with me forever.
Any way you want it.
Oh, my God.
What have I done?
You weren't meant for this.
I didn't want this to happen.
Oh, God.
Forever, Jack.
You're alive.
Aye.
What do you mean I'm dead?
Now, take my word for it.
You're just saying that...
so you can have your wicked way with me.
If you weren't dead I wouldn't be able...
to have my way with you.
This is ridiculous.
You can't hide from me.
I've got to find you.
That's right!
You can't fool me.
They're gone.
- Here, file that. - Malcolm, they're gone.
They're not gone.
Brother Tony, you forgot your collar.
No, he didn't. He threw it away.
Didn't you, baby?
I'm only human.
Here we are.
Mr. Plunkett, single-handedly the worst vacation...
that I've ever experienced in my life.
Thank you, Mr. Clay.
However, I'll be recommending Castle Plunkett...
as the most haunted castle in the Western Hemisphere.
I hope that helps you with your business.
- Too kind. - I second that.
Most gracious.
- Bye. - See ya.
They're gone, dear.
Come on in. I'll make you a nice fish sandwich.
I cannot thank you enough, Sir Jack, for deciding to stay.
Hey, where am I gonna go, right?
Listen, Mary.
When are you gonna stop calling me "Sir"?
Sorry, I can't help it.
Maybe when you decide to marry me.
Are you asking?
My wife's hardly dead, and it was such a horrible death.
Maybe we could wait a couple of centuries.
We booked the hall till 12:00. How about a little privacy?
The day is for the living, Jack.
The night is for the dead.
How's the corpse?
Pretty good. How's the psycho?
A pussycat.
So was the trip worth it, Jack?
Yeah. She thinks I'm brilliant.
Mary, you've put on a wee bit of flesh since I last saw ya.
I'm not gettin' stabbed every night, Martin.
Mary, it hurt me more than it hurt you.
Go on now with it.
So how's the Yank?
He takes me shoppin'.
Come here to me.
My love. My reason for dying.
How'd she ever learn to dance like that?
Happiness, Sir Jack.
Yeah, happiness.